


Aftereffects

by bigmanaaron



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Aftermath, Angst, Apologies, Attempt at Humor, Burns, Gen, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attacks, Rich Goranski-centric, Self-Esteem Issues, Shocks, boyf riends is implied, honestly this poor boy needs therapy, i don't like to focus on ships though so, i don't write out rich's lisp but it's there, i just love my boy ok, rich is a disaster, there will be fluff eventually i promise, this is basically so rich can apologize to everyoone, will add more tags and characters as this goes on
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-26
Updated: 2020-06-08
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:28:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24385873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bigmanaaron/pseuds/bigmanaaron
Summary: The feeling of electricity shot through his back in sparks, and the fire pulling and melting his skin with each lick of it’s bright, hot color, had him spiraling. Spiraling out of control and falling.Falling. Falling. Falling.Rich wakes up in the hospital after Halloween. And now, he has to deal with the consequences.He really wants to apologize to everyone.
Relationships: one sided Rich Goranski/Michael Mell
Comments: 16
Kudos: 28





	1. Aftermath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW FOR PANIC ATTACK IN THIS CHAPTER!

Rich was burning.

The feeling of electricity shooting through his back in sparks, and the fire pulling and melting his skin with each lick of it’s bright, hot color, had him spiraling. Spiraling out of control and falling.

Falling. Falling. Falling.

There was a thud, and screaming, and sirens, and the feeling of grass and leaves poking at him, before everything began to fade away.

He remembered flashing lights, far away voices, and gentle hands on cloth.

And then it was all gone.

Rich groaned, and struggled to open his eyes, managing to only get his right eye to squint open as he was blinded by bright, white, fluorescent lights. There was already a headache pounding in the back of his head as his vision finally adjusted.

The first thing he’d noticed was the lack of buzzing in his brain, and the second thing he noticed was that he couldn’t move. Everything was numb, fuzzy, and weird. He lowered his gaze to his arms, and saw that they were covered in bandages- no, casts? Or maybe both. It was all so blurry, and he couldn’t get his left eye open at all.

God, what had even happened?

Wait.

Oh.

Oh. Right. He knew exactly what had happened. Shit.

He let out a low, tired squeak from his throat in an attempt to bring some kind of sensation to his body through the thick fog that covered all of his nerves, but he was just met with soreness. 

He was so tired. 

Rich felt himself drifting back into the comfort of the soft hospital pillow under his head- until there was suddenly the clicking sound of a door opening, and the quiet clacking of shoes against the smooth concrete floor.

A brunette woman with soft features and a clipboard in hand approached him, and he watched her eyebrows rise as they both made eye contact with each other.

“Oh, you’re awake!” The doctor’s surprised expression quickly turned into a friendly smile, “Good afternoon, Richard. Can you hear me?”

Everything felt like it was in slow motion, and it took him a moment to process her words, but he eventually let out a small hum as a response.

She nodded, before continuing, “You went through a bit of an ordeal, try not to move very much, and get some rest, okay?” She explained, “I’m going to do a quick check-up on your vitals now.”

Rich didn’t bother responding this time, and simply just let his head fall back into the pillow as he closed his one eye that wasn’t already swollen shut. Barely a minute had passed before he was asleep again.

**Wow. Look at what you’ve done to yourself.**

Rich’s eyes shot open with a start.

He didn’t know how much time had passed, but he could hear the buzzing, and it’s _ voice _ , and fuck, it was supposed to be gone- he had tried to burn it out of his head-  _ it was supposed to be gone. _

He could hear the beeping of a machine nearby grow quicker, and soon realized that was the sound of his heart-rate increasing. And shit. Now he was hyperventilating, and fuck, no, no, he can’t do this. He couldn’t continue with this thing in his head and-

**This is just pathetic, Richard.**

_ Please, no, just get out of my head- _

**How could you think I would allow that?**

Rich couldn’t catch his breath- was he crying? He might have been. He wasn’t supposed to cry. Chill people didn’t cry, no, crying was not SQUIP approved but- fuck, he could barely process his surroundings anymore. 

It was all a blur. The sound of his labored breathing, the beeping of hospital machinery, and the deafening buzzing of the SQUIP in his brain. He felt like he had smoke in his lungs again, like concrete crushing and weighing him down, keeping him there.

He was trapped. Rich was trapped in this sterile hospital room. Trapped in a full body cast. Trapped with a computer in his head. He couldn’t move, and his skin was burning again, and it all just hurt so much and there was no way he could deal with this anymore. He had to get out, he had to make it stop and-

There was pressure on his arm, which he quickly recognized as a hand, and soon enough the buzzing faded out for him to hear the voices of other people,

“Rich, breathe.”

“Can you hear me?”

“Breathe with me, please.”

As his eyes finally focused, he realized there was the doctor, and a nurse by his side attempting to calm him down. One of them had something plastic in their hand.

His face was hot with tears as he continued to struggle to catch his breath, and fuck, he could feel the burns. He could the pain of them as he scrunched up his face, and god, it wasn’t going away. And now he was aware of the stinging under his casts, and on his shoulders, and his neck and-

“Breathe with me.”

His attention was brought back to the nurse, and he choked out a sob.

“I-It hurts-” The lisp. Shit. He couldn’t move his hand to hit himself for doing it. He completely froze up, waiting for the shock to come and hit his spine. 

But it never came.

“Shhh, I know, but you need to breathe, okay?”

The woman made a big show of inhaling and exhaling slowly, and he tried, he really tried his best to copy her, but his breath was cut off by another sob.

He expected to be told how much of a failure he was, how he couldn’t even do something as simple as breathing normally, but instead her features just softened even more.

“Keep trying.” She said, before continuing the inhales and exhales.

His chest and lungs felt so tight, and as he began to slow down his breathing to a normal rate with her, there was a sort of wheezing to it all, making it painful.

He began coughing, and the woman helping him breathe immediately noticed. She looked over to the doctor, who he now realized was holding an inhaler- and she began to shake the hunk of plastic.

The doctor held it up to his mouth and instructed him to breathe in slowly as she let it do it’s thing.

Soon enough, he was back to breathing normally, and the pain in his lungs had mostly faded.

God, what the fuck was that?

“Are you feeling a bit better, now?” The doctor gently asked him.

Rich nodded weakly, looking down at his hands. Was his pinky finger always that short? Oh god. It was so burnt. Fuck.

“Um…” Rich began, struggling to find the correct words to say.

**I didn’t tell you to speak, Richard.**

_ Fuck off. _

“...Can I ask a question..?” He asked sheepishly, wincing a bit as he lisped again.

The doctor nodded, “Ask as many as you need.”

“Did anyone else get hurt? In the fire, I mean…” He questioned, continuing to stare at his hands. Really, his finger looked like it was completely melted...

**That’s a stupid question to ask, you burnt down a house. Of course other people were hurt.**

_ I didn’t ask you. _

“No. Everyone got out safe. I do remember one boy broke both of his legs, though.” The doctor explained, “You’re the only one who was seriously hospitalized.”

Rich let out a breath he didn’t even know he’d been holding. Thank god he was the only one. He didn’t know if he would’ve been able to handle it if he was responsible for multiple people being hurt like that. Or worse.

**Really, you had it coming. Burning down a house.**

“What was his name again?” The doctor questioned, glancing at the nurse by her side.

“...Jacob Dillinger, I think.” She shrugged.

The doctor nodded, “Right. I remember him asking about you, Rich.”

And then Rich’s stomach dropped.

Jake.

Fuck.

Jake broke both of his legs, escaping the fire that _ he  _ had started?

Wait, no, that wasn’t even the worst part. He had completely burned down Jake’s house. Did Jake even have anywhere to live, now? What was he going to do? Holy shit. 

Why was this only  _ now _ dawning on him with how screwed he was going to be? Jake could never forgive him. There was no way in hell that he would deserve that. He’d probably ruined his best friend’s life.

**The probability of Jake Dillinger forgiving you is about 47.9%...**

_ I didn’t ask. _

Still… it was a higher number than he’d expected.

“I’m…really glad no one else got hurt.” He mumbled, stretching out his fingers. They were so stiff, and it was actually a bit painful to do so, but his hands were really the only things that had mobility at the moment. His burns felt itchy under his casts and bandages.

**Really, you can’t ignore me for forever** .

“What’s the date today?” Rich asked.

“November 13th.” The nurse replied.

He could feel a pounding headache coming on, now. Halloween was… fuck. Had he been out cold for two weeks? Holy shit.

**You can’t function without me.**

The buzzing in his head was growing louder, and the uncomfortable sensation of his burns itching and hurting under the bandages was beginning to get to him.

“Wow…” He mumbled. How long was he going to have to spend here-

His thought process was suddenly interrupted by a painful jolt of electricity, shooting itself up through his body and ending with an even worse shock to his head.

He let out a pained yelp, and tried to reach up to rub his temples, before remembering he was still in a full body cast.

And then, suddenly, pain. Hot, searing, electric pain ravaging his spine and his insides. It felt like there were a thousand voices inside of his brain, all screaming out in the same amount of pain and hurt that he was in. Dots filled and scattered his vision, visions of wires and bolts of electricity mixed into it, before, suddenly, there was nothing. No buzzing, no voices, no ringing in his ears. Nothing.

Then everything went black.


	2. Anti-Social Headphones Kid.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rich wakes up after his SQUIP has been deactivated. A familiar face enters the room, not too long afterwards.

Seizure.

That’s what they had told him it was, a seizure.

Rich obviously knew what had  _ really _ happened though. It wasn’t hard to figure out, really. When the electric buzzing in the back of his head was completely gone. And then, when they’d rolled in Jeremy Heere of all people into the hospital room on a stretcher. 

The nurse had told him it was something to do with the play, and everyone taking ecstasy. But he knew better.

Right now, though? He was just feeling guilty. It had only been an hour or two since Jeremy was brought to the room, but obviously, somehow, tall-ass had deactivated their SQUIPs. Should he even call Jeremy that, anymore? He didn’t  _ want _ to bully him.

Shit, man. He was the one who’d told Jeremy about the squips in the first place.

At least that evil tic-tac was out of both of their brains. For good.

Hopefully.

He’d fucked up everything, huh?

The worst part of all of this, was the huge, pounding headache that he’d been dealing with ever since he woke back up. It felt like it was just making  _ all _ of his pain even worse. The itchy-burning feeling under his bandages, the ache in his bones, his stinging face. All of it. 

Rich raised his eyebrows when he suddenly heard the familiar clicking sound of the hospital door opening, expecting to see a nurse, like always. Maybe he could ask for some better pain killers.

He was wrong.

A tall, nerdy looking kid entered the room. The red hoodie and white headphones were kind of a giveaway as to who it was but… Shit. Rich couldn’t remember the boy’s name. The SQUIP had always just supplied him names, and he never bothered to care enough to learn. He’d bullied him before, right? Wasn’t he Jeremy’s gay stoner friend, or something?

Rich couldn’t help but think he was kind of cute though. Yikes.

The headphones kid’s nose was bruised and had dried blood under it, as if he’d been punched square in the nose not too long ago.

Rich opened his mouth to say something, but then thought better of it as he watched Headphones immediately move to Jeremy’s side. He looked pretty worried, actually, but also weirdly relieved?

“You look like ass, Jeremy.” Headphones said to the unconscious kid, and then chuckled slightly to himself. “We did it though. Even if you did punch me in face, I-”

Rich choked on a piece of spit and let out a loud wheeze. He didn’t take Jeremy Heere as the type to punch someone, especially not his boyfriend or whatever they were-

And now Headphones was staring directly at him, as if he’d seen a ghost. Shit. Rich hadn’t meant to bring attention to himself.

This was going to be his first real conversation without a SQUIP in two years, huh.

“...Oh. Hey, Rich.” Headphones said, awkwardly. Now they both were uncomfortable.

“Hey…” Rich mumbled, raising a hand up at him, still stuck in his dumb full-body cast. “Uh… What happened?” He gestured towards him and Jeremy, awkwardly. God, why did he have to feel so weird?

“Is your SQUIP gone?” Headphones asked him, hesitantly. 

Rich responded with a nod, “Yeah, It’s- It’s gone.” He flinched as he lisped, and Headphones seemed to furrow his brow at him. Clearly, he’d noticed. Shit.

“Okay…” Headphones mumbled, giving him a scrutinizing look. Rich really couldn’t blame him for not trusting him. He used to be a bully. “Well, you wouldn’t  _ believe _ what happened,” Headphones gave one last look to Jeremy, before moving over and pulling up a chair by Rich’s bedside.

“So, today was the play and- I’m not  _ completely _ sure how it happened- but everyone in the show got SQUIPed. They were  _ all _ synced together-“ Headphones began explaining, his eyes lighting up a bit as he told the story. Rich had to stop himself from thinking about how cute it was.

Rich wasn’t gay, right?

Nah.

…Okay, maybe a little? Or maybe not. Both?

Now really wasn’t the time for that kind of crisis, though. Damn.

“Jeremy’s squip made him punch me,” Headphones continued, gesturing to his nose, “But anyway, I’ve been doing research, right? So I got my hands on some Mountain Dew Red, and-“

Mountain Dew Red. God, the words stung in his ears. He’d been so desperate for it, on Halloween night. It was all such a blur, but he remembered the sickening fear and adrenaline that was coursing through his veins at the time. Fear of  _ it _ coming back. Fear of a punishment. Fear of having it stuck in his head for any longer. 

His punishment had been electrocution.

The result of that was the fire.

“-So, when Jeremy gave it to Christine, she drank it. It’s really kind of insane- this technology is so advanced that they were able to sync together into some kind of hivemind with Jeremy! And, once one of them went out, so did the rest of them!” Headphones smiled. He seemed pretty happy to be telling the story. Now Rich wished he didn’t zone out for most of it.

“Huh… wow.” Rich said quietly. God, his voice was so sore. And he was really uncomfortable. He decided to make an attempt to adjust his position a little bit in the hospital bed, but was only met with a sudden flare-up of pain that shot through his limbs. Rich let out a loud hiss of pain, followed by a whimpered, “Shit.” And then quickly gave up on the dream of moving.

He was getting really tired of being in constant pain.

A deafening, awkward silence followed them after that. Clearly, neither of them knew what to say. Really, Rich couldn’t blame Headphones if he wanted to just leave already. He had tormented him and Jeremy for a good year, at least. And if he were being honest, he was scared. Scared he might revert back to that. That he might still end up with the personality that the SQUIP had enforced into him rigorously.

He had to make up for it.

Headphones began to sit up from his seat, but Rich quickly put up a hand, “W-Wait, wait. Uh.” He stuttered, and then winced a bit. Headphones stared at him with a confused expression.

“Headphones, uh. What’s your name?” Rich asked, and immediately felt like cringing himself to death. Not only was he lisping like crazy, he was acting like a fucking dumbass.

“Michael.” Headphones- no, Michael, answered, picking at a loose string on his hoodie.

“Well, uh, Michael. I’m really…” Rich trailed off. Fuck. How was he supposed to do this?

“I’m really sorry for being such an asshole to you,” He flinched at his lisp, again. He really needed to stop doing that. “I barely have an excuse, I mean- the computer in my brain was fucked to shit, but- I still listened to it. I still bullied you two, y’know? So, uh, sorry for that.”

Michael was silent. Great, now Rich felt like he had to keep talking.

“And like, I dunno if you’re  _ actually _ gay or whatever, but I definitely did tell everyone that you are so, sorry for that? And your backpack kind of got ruined, and I shoved you a lot in the hallways and- okay, I should really shut up now, right?” Rich rambled, before finally giving up with a long sigh. God, why was he such a fuck-up?

Michael stared at him for a long, hard moment. Rich was strangely almost  _ afraid _ of what he might say. He could understand if he didn’t accept his apology, I mean, he didn’t really deserve-

“Why are you talking like that?” Michael interrupted his thought process, and Rich immediately felt his face flush into a deep red.

“Uh- the lisp, um, well…” God, was it really  _ that _ bad? “The SQUIP uh, made me get rid of it, so…”  _ PleasestoptalkingaboutthissubjectPleasestoptalkingaboutthissubjectPleasestop- _

“Oh… okay.” Michael muttered, looking at Rich with an unreadable expression. “...Well, I’m going to go get a soda, so, bye.” Michael rushed through his words and stood up quickly, practically sprinting out of the room. Rich didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye.

Well. there goes  _ that _ shitty attempt at an apology.

He really needed some better painkillers. Ouch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HOPE YOU ALL ENJOYED THIS NEW CHAPTER! I was kind of having a blast writing Michael, just because I've never really written for him before lmao. anyway, yeah, Michael is responsible for Rich having his sexuality crisis. can y'all BELIEVE the SQUIP is homophobic?? damn LMAO
> 
> comments and kudos are super super appreciated!! let me know your thoughts!!
> 
> FOLLOW ME ON TUMBLR! i don't (hopefully) bite! @hidgerins


	3. Tall-ass.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeremy wakes up, and Rich says a lot of regrettable things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW for brief mention of a panic attack

So, they had finally upped Rich’s painkillers, or whatever medicines they had him on, after the second panic attack he’d managed to have. SQUIP related nightmares were a thing now, apparently. He felt like he was in hell. His head would pound for hours and hours, and his skin would just _ hurt _ all of the time.

Now, everything was numbed, and slow, and his brain felt like it was full of fuzz. At least it was better than the horrible horrible ache that he had been constantly dealing with earlier. Now he just felt like a weird, funky dude, trapped in a body cast.

The Michael kid had been visiting a lot, too. 

He mostly avoided Rich. Michael normally opted to close the hospital curtain between his and Jeremy’s beds, successfully cutting him off 90% of the time. Michael never  _ did _ accept his apology either, which was… fair, if he were being honest. Rich didn’t deserve shit after what he’d done. 

God, he was so guilty.

Rich leaned his head back into his pillow and closed his eyes, ready to sleep the day away, again, before he heard a quiet groan and the sound of bedsheets being adjusted.

Oh, shit.

“...Ow, ow.  _ Ouch _ , ow ow…” Jeremy whimpered, across the room from him. Rich immediately looked up in his direction. He could finally talk to this kid without being told what to do, holy shit.

“It hurts like a motherfucker, doesn’t it?” Rich blurted out, his tired eyes fixing themselves onto Jeremy. Michael had been right the other day, Tall-ass really  _ did _ look like ass. 

“Wh- Rich?” Jeremy looked over at him with a confused expression across his face, taking his glasses off of his side-table and settling them onto the bridge of his nose. Rich let out a soft chuckle, in response.

“You look like shit.” Rich said, and then looked down at his hands, “...Well, actually that’s a bit rich coming from me but- oh, that’s my name!” Rich was lisping heavily as he spoke, but he couldn’t find the energy to care. He was still so woozy. He laughed to himself.

Jeremy just stared at him in disbelief.

Rich felt the need to keep rambling. The silence was too deafening. “Be honest, what are they saying about me at school?” He questioned.

Jeremy grimaced and looked away from him in response. 

“...That bad, huh?” He really shouldn’t be surprised. “Well, I’m just glad to be out of that shiny happy hivemind bullshit, y’know?” Rich shrugged, and then laid his head back on his pillow again.

Jeremy furrowed his brow, “Wait, your SQUIP is off? But- but how? I only-” 

Rich cut Jeremy off before he could finish his sentence. Tall-ass stuttered too much. “You should ask your friend, uh, anti-social headphones kid- Michael, guy? He’s been by like, a ton by the way.” He began, and really, he should have just stopped right there but he felt like he needed to continue, “Is he your boyfriend? Because I can totally see that. He’s pretty cute.” Did he really just say that out loud? Whoops.

Rich could hear the sound of the door clicking open, but he didn’t bother looking at who it was. 

“Um… no.” Jeremy’s face had gone red, and Rich found it rather hilarious. There was definitely  _ something _ going on there.

“Sure.” Rich said, and then smiled, “Y’know what, Jeremy? Who cares. Everyone’s going to learn to love the  _ real _ Rich Goranski,  _ and _ the real Jeremy whatever-your-last-name-is.” He grinned, “The ladies,  _ and _ the dudes.” Rich paused, as a realization dawned upon him, somehow getting through his fuzzy brain.

“Oh my god, I’m totally BI!” He laughed, and then watched as Jeremy just looked even  _ more _ confused. “Is your boyfriend single? I’m bi now, so-” 

He glanced over, and felt his stomach drop as he noticed that Michael was literally standing right there. Staring at him like a deer caught in headlights. 

Fuck.

“...Oh, hey.” Rich said, and he could already feel himself blushing.

“Hey… Rich.” Michael stared at him for a moment, looking immensely uncomfortable, before practically sprinting over to Jeremy’s bed, “Bye, Rich…!”

And then he pulled the hospital curtain shut.

Rich had definitely just said some stupid shit that he was going to regret later, but his brain was too foggy to let him care. He laid his head back and closed his eyes. 

This is a problem that his future self can deal with. Now, he just wanted a nap.

\---

So. Apparently Rich really didn’t have any fucking filter without the SQUIP telling him what to do. Now that he was finally adjusted to the medicine and thinking clearly, all he could wonder was  _ why the fuck did he say that shit _ . Oh my god.

He really was a massive disaster, huh?

Michael and Jeremy’s dad had left hours ago, which now left Rich and Jeremy to sit in the room by themselves. Jeremy really didn’t seem too bad off, after everything. He was kind of a sick looking pale, and he had prominent dark circles under his eyes, but really, Rich knew he’d probably be released from the hospital in the next day or two.

Maybe, Rich should take advantage of this moment. Because, fuck, he still had so much to apologize for. He couldn’t help but feel responsible for everything that had gone down. He was the one who had bullied Jeremy and his friend. He was the one who introduced Jeremy to SQUIPs. He was the one who had burnt down Jake’s house. He was the cause of everybody’s problems.

He really didn’t know how to make up for that, but he knew an apology would be the easiest way to start.

Hopefully it didn’t go as badly as it did with Michael.

Well. Here goes nothing.

“Hey, Jeremy?” He said, and waited for Jeremy to look up at him.

“Y-Yeah?” Jeremy stammered, looking nervous, like usual.

“I’m sorry, uh, for everything,” He began, taking a deep breath, “Like, I’m the one who told you about SQUIPs. I bullied you for god knows how long, and, yeah the SQUIP was the one telling me what to do- but, I didn’t  _ have _ to listen to it.” He rambled, frowning.

Jeremy was quiet, looking almost surprised, so that urged him to continue talking.

“And, uh, I’m sorry I called you Tall-ass. And a twink, and a beanpole, and gay, and for that time I tripped you in the hallway and you fell on your ass, and that other time I did it again, and for all three times I shoved your face into a urinal, and for also calling you Jeremy Queer that one time, and-”

“Rich, my- my head hurts.” Jeremy cut off his senseless rambling, and then let out a deep sigh.

Rich stayed silent.

“L-Look… Rich. I don’t completely blame you for what you did, okay?” Jeremy was sweating now, he’d noticed. “We both know how much those…  _ things _ , can manipulate you. Mine was telling me to SQUIP the whole school and-”

Rich raised his eyebrows and quickly interrupted him, “Wha- really? So did mine.”

Jeremy shrugged, “I guess I was the plan B, after, y’know...” He trailed off, and then shook his head, “B-But, what I’m saying is, I think I can forgive you? I don’t- I don’t know what  _ it _ put you through during those years you had it, and, shit. I don’t know. I think you… you deserve a second chance. I really do.”

All Rich could do was just stare at Jeremy. What the fuck.

Jeremy frowned, and then continued, “I-I mean, I don’t know. I never knew you that well, at all, and you did a lot of bad things, but I… I really want to believe you can get better. I think you can make up for it.” Jeremy paused, “I guess.”

Wow. Rich could’ve sworn this was the nicest thing he’d heard anyone say to him in decades. He didn’t deserve this. 

He really, really, didn’t deserve this.

Fuck.

He wasn’t even sure what to say. God, what  _ do _ you say? 

He took a deep breath. “I… I practically ruined your life, Jeremy. Are you sure?” He questioned, and stared down at his hands. Seriously, Jeremy had to be kidding, right?

“Uh… yeah.” Jeremy paused, as if he was thinking it over again, “Yeah, I’m sure.” 

Well. That had gone way better than he thought it was going to go. 

Why did Jeremy have to be such a good person?

“...Thank you.” Rich muttered, and he felt like he was about to cry. Fuck, no. He definitely couldn’t do that. He wasn’t  _ that _ much of a mess.

Okay, maybe he was. But he wasn’t going to let it happen, even if the tears were already pricking at his eyes. Chill people didn’t cry.

Well.

He didn’t  _ have _ to be chill anymore, but… God, it was so ingrained into him at this point. How else was he supposed to act?

He just wished he could at least move his arms to be able to wipe his eyes.

Rich groaned and tilted his head back into his pillow, “Dude, I’m in hell right now.”

Surprisingly, that got a small chuckle out of Jeremy. 

“Yeah, I- I can imagine.” Jeremy smirked.

Rich rolled his eyes.

“You try being stuck in a full body cast, dork.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY. CHAPTER 3. HERE YOU GO, HOMIES! rich is trying his hardest, and that's okay. i based rich's drugged up experience on my experience of taking 2 benedryl and feeling like i was in another plane of existence.  
> i also feel i should i mention i've been mostly been going off of the broadway cast of the show for the characters (besides the squip) because, honestly, i REALLY love the broadway cast. sorry LMAO
> 
> kudos and comments are super super appreciated! let me know your thoughts!


	4. Gossip Girl.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jenna comes to visit.

So, Jeremy had been released from the hospital.

Now Rich was all alone, again. 

...Nobody had even bothered visiting him, yet. Not even his own family. He would have thought at least his brother might come, but nope. Nothing. Zilch. Nada. His shitty excuse for a dad probably hadn’t even called to tell his brother what had happened,

He was really, really glad that Jeremy had accepted his apology, and he was  _ so lucky _ for that, but he couldn’t help but be a bit disappointed. He could easily understand why nobody wanted to see him, but that didn’t mean he still wasn’t lonely as hell. 

He wriggled his fingers a bit, watching how they moved. He wished he could just move his arms again, at least. Or that he had a phone. His had gotten destroyed in the fire. He wanted to at least let everyone know that he wasn’t dead...

Well. 

Maybe he didn’t want any more attention brought to him? Maybe making a quiet, unnoticed return to school would be easier. Everyone was going to know him as Rich Goranski, that kid who went ‘psycho’ and burnt down a house, so he might as well try and push past it as quickly as possible.

He didn’t even want to know what kind of shit people were saying about him.

Judging by Jeremy’s reaction when he had asked, it clearly wasn’t good. At all.

It made him incredibly nervous to think about school in general. He was going to have so much missed work to catch up on, and not to mention he hadn’t  _ actually _ had to study for shit or pay attention when he had a SQUIP in his head. It did all of that for him.

God, his entire life was all one big fucking lie, huh?

He really, really wanted his friends to accept him back again, to forgive him for being such an idiot- for being such a  _ liar _ , but did he really deserve that? Did he deserve to be forgiven, after everything?

It really was a lot to think about.

He was getting tired of not having anything else to do, besides think. The voices in his head were always just too loud. 

Much, much too loud.

He raised his eyebrows as he heard the hospital door open, and he glanced over to see who it was.

His stomach dropped.

Well, he definitely wasn’t expecting  _ her _ .

Jenna Rolan stood in the doorway, staring at him for a moment, seemingly in a bit of a shock. After a few seconds, she finally raised up a hand and gave him an awkward little wave.

“Hi.” She smiled, slightly.

Rich blinked, and just stared at her. 

“Um.” Jenna ran a hand through her curly purple hair, “I just wanted to visit you. If that’s okay?” She questioned, still hovering in the doorway, as if she was afraid to come in.

“That’s fine.” Rich glanced away from her. This was awkward as fuck.

Jenna hesitantly took a few steps into the room, before taking a deep breath and pulling herself together and confidently taking a seat in the chair by Rich’s bedside.

Rich furrowed his brow, watching her carefully. This was weird. This felt really, really weird. 

He sighed, “Why did you come here? I mean, I really appreciate it, but… we weren't exactly close, Jenna.” Rich asked, furrowing his brow.

Jenna’s fake confidence faded almost as quickly as it had come. “Rich- I- I’m… I’m just really sorry.”

“What? Why?”

“I didn’t even know if you actually set the fire!” She raised her voice, and then took a deep breath, “Um, I told  _ everyone _ what you did.” She scratched her arm, nervously, “I feel really, really, bad about it now. I- I wanted attention, and your story was right there, and shit- I’m so sorry.” She went quiet, after that, staring at the floor.

She couldn’t even look him in the eyes. Huh.

Rich really hadn’t been expecting this. He assumed she must have been spreading a ton of gossip about him, or something? He wasn’t sure if he really wanted to  _ know _ what she had been spreading around. He knew how nasty rumours could get. 

“Oh.” Rich paused, “Huh. Okay, damn.” 

Jenna gave him a confused look.

“It’s just, uh, I don’t know.” Rich stammered, “I wasn’t expecting a random apology from Miss Gossip Girl?” He winced, “Uh, sorry, I didn’t mean for that to come off as an insult, It’s just… weird. I don’t have a phone anymore, so I don’t really know what you did?”

Jenna looked even more guilty.

“Um… well, for starters I took a selfie in front of the burning house... “

Rich wheezed.

“You  _ what? _ ” He laughed, ignoring the pain in his ribs, “Jenna, oh my god, that is the funniest fucking thing I’ve heard since I woke up here.” He grinned, “Like- that’s fucked up but oh my god.”

Jenna chuckled a bit awkwardly, “Yeah, it was… something else, for sure.” She looked at him, almost with pity, “I’m glad you can laugh about it.” She shook her head, “But, uh, really. People are saying some bad things about you, and it’s really all my fault. Jeremy explained the SQUIP thing to me and… I’m just really sorry. I-I didn’t know what you were going through.”

“Oh… right, yeah.” Any bit of humor that Rich was feeling quickly left his system, “Yeah, I’m fucked. Actually, if anything,  _ I _ should be the one apologizing here.” He shrugged, watching Jenna’s reaction.

She just looked at him, confused, again. God, he must sound like such an idiot. He might as well just rip the band-aid off. “Shit, so, like... you don’t know me anymore.” He began, “At all. I lied, for two years.” He paused, “Like, the SQUIP, it made me into someone I’m not. I’m not  _ that _ Rich Goranski.” He frowned, “Not like it isn’t obvious, though... everyone’s going to think I’m nuts.”

“It’s… it’s okay.” Jenna started, “I’m done with being fake too. I want to know the real you.” Jenna placed her hand over his, and he flinched slightly. He didn’t hate it, though. “I hope you can get to know the real me, too?”

Rich smiled, slightly, “Of course, Jenna.” He squeezed her fingers, and then gave her a sudden devilish smirk, “But you have to accept the fact that I have big dick energy first.”

“Rich, oh my god.” Jenna scowled, laughing.

“What? It’s true!” He said, before bursting into a cackling laugh.

Maybe… maybe things really could get better from here. He’d have to work hard, to get everyone’s trust again, but… Jenna really did make him want to try.

He wanted to try.

“Do you want to hang out? Once I get out of this hell-hole, I mean.” Rich asked her, gesturing to his body cast a bit.

Jenna smiled, “That would be awesome.” She then paused, before pulling out her phone. 

“Hey, can we get a picture together?” She asked, moving in for a selfie.

“Oh, hell yes. Make sure you capture my big dick energy in it, though.”

“Rich!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO SORRY FOR THE LONG WAIT SINCE THE LAST CHAPTER!! I really don't have an excuse lmao. this really is my favorite fic to write though, so don't think i'm forgetting about it!!! i really like jenna and i think she deserves some more love. her and rich could be really good friends if they want!!! 
> 
> as always, feedback is super appreciated!! comments and kudos keep me motivated!


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